Anonymous Daughter

2011-04-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

November Skies (As published in Adoption Week)

(Spoiler Alert: Tag at the end gives away something that happens in the book)

My Special Day (link to excerpt published in Adoption Week)

Jailhouse Pals

Maybe Some Day...

Book Two--There Are No Accidents

Messages from the Author (updated March, 2011)

Messages from the Author

2011-04-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

This page consists of random musings about the book writing process, adoption, or life in general. Anything in RED signifies "spoiler alert"--meaning if you read that part, you're going to know about a significant part of the book, and you may choose to skip that part.

March 2011: I'm the branch of a family tree that was nearly severed. On Fathers Day, 2011, I will meet the family of my biological father-a man who was all but written off due to his drinking, homelessness and prison time (bank robbery). My birth father died on Good Friday of 2001. On Father's Day -10 yrs later- I will bring my children with me to a large family reunion to represent the unexpected goodness this man brought into the world.

March, 2010 Five years ago I went to New York City and met with five well known literary agents. Four of them expressed interest in my book, asking for a few chapters. One said he was captivated by the letters written between me, and the man who referred me for adoption as an infant. Another was amazed that for eight years, we remained anonymous. My birth-father never knew my name. One agent wiped a tear as she read about how quickly alcohol took down this once promising law student into a life of crime. His letters were poetic. Bittersweet. Beautiful.

I went home and began polishing up my work to send to the agents. But God had another plan for me. That fall, Hurricane Katrina hit. The Biblical storm baptized me into a whole new way of living. Instead of fighting this new riptide that was taking me far from all that I had ever known, I went with the current, and found myself changing the world. One year after Katrina, I had started a nonprofit and helped rally thousands of kids to raise over $10 Million dollars for hurricane relief.

That same year, an Oprah producer was asking me for a copy of my book when it was finished. But by that time, I was too far gone. Children were reaching out to me daily, wanting my help to change the world. I couldn’t very well say no. So the book waited.

Today, I am so close, and yet so far away. I am ever grateful for the path God diverted me to. In just five years, I’ve helped kids change thousands of lives all around the globe. Our 15-year-old CEO has won The World of Children’s “Nobel Prize for Children”, I was honored as a L’Oreal Paris “Woman of Worth,” and we and the children we serve have received numerous prestigious awards for making a tangible impact in solving real world problems.

I know that one day I will finish this book. Thanks to so many of you, who have encouraged me along the way, wanting a positive adoption story on the bookshelves. It will happen. In God's time. Meantime, I'm enjoying the ride!

Below: A video produced by L'Oreal Paris and Women of Worth

(for more information, please visit the Women of Worth website.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

"Birth Parents, Biological Parents, Natural Parents????!"

(side note-- Blogger is having technical issues with formatting this evening... sorry that it's not publishing cleaner...)

A question I put out to the technical abyss: How should I refer to the people who gave birth to me? You're more than welcome to weigh in, but at the end of the day... it's something I need to figure out for myself.

I am reeling from the venom spewed out on another blog about adoption... you may look at it here, but it can be upsetting to those who are close to the adoption triad. There were inklings of a similar discussion on comments posted here on this blog.

It is terribly sad to me to see just how upset parents who have referred their child for adoption feel about being called "biological mother" or "birth-mother." There are many women who are hurting out there--missing their child desperately. And each time they hear those terms, it's like a dig into the wound.

So rather than get into an arguement with hate as several people did on the other blog, I will say this: If calling the person who gave me life "biologicial" or "birth" mother makes someone feel so horrible, then I want to consider a way of changing it. Trying to remove myself and look at this objectively (is that possible?) I think-- people who are not adopted often have different names for their parents. Sometimes nicknames, sometimes first names... everyone has different preferences. I know the man who gave me life had nothing but love for me, and never in a million years had issue with being referenced as a "biological father" or "birth father," nor did he seem to think that the woman who gave me life would feel that way (note to skeptics: They were very much in love, and engaged--this has been confirmed by several sources. He has proven to be a lovely man, and I don't think he would have hidden that from me.)

But it's so personal. I think a lot of adoptees were taught, with no dehumanizing intended, that an easy way to explain it to the questioning children at school--is that your "real" mom (that's the question I was asked, "Well who is your REAL mom?") is the woman I call mom. In my case, I don't know who the mother is who gave me life, but I will always love her for giving me life.

I know you can't please everyone. And many of you would tell me not to change a thing (about how I reference the people who gave me life). But after reading such negativity... I feel compelled to try to at least not add to someone's pain. Why argue it? I'd much rather spend time seeking out the positive aspects of everyone and every thing. If this were your last day on earth, what would you do? I choose love.

Friday, April 13, 2007 Six Years Ago Today… It was Friday, April 13, 2001. It was a glorious sunny day. I had a meeting with an executive at one of my top client companies. I debated what to wear. They were business casual. But he was a big-time exec and this meeting could land a lot of business for my little executive search firm. I decided to go with my black silk suit. I figured I’d go to Good Friday services after the meeting. I remember a special feeling all day long. Like a comforting presence. It was a good day. I got the business. Just a few days later I received a phone call from the adoption agency. After 8-years, my birth father and I were still corresponding anonymously. The social worker called to tell me that Ben had died on Good Friday. His sister called the agency and asked them to give me the news. Today is Friday, April 13, 2007. That happened six years ago. My life has evolved wonderfully since then. As I sat in church on Good Friday this year, the priest reflected on Jesus telling Peter to throw down his net, “and come and follow Me.” I chuckled to myself. I recently “threw down my net,” to go serve smoothies to my fellow humankind. After 15 years of recruiting, and 10 years of running my own executive search firm, I quit my job to work at a smoothie shop. O.k., that’s not exactly why I quit my job. I did it because I SO believe in the work that I’m doing with my nonprofit RandomKid, that I found it hard to do anything else. It was next to impossible to run a business and a nonprofit at the same time. So, in order to make a contribution to my family, I took a job at a quiet smoothie shop. I work while my daughters are in school. This past week in between a small strawberry smoothie and a medium banana blend, I designed an interactive website featuring a post-hurricane awareness campaign (click here to see it) involving all 50 governors. Next week I’ll be writing up national news releases--and pausing every hour or so to make a “Fruity Frappe.” Delicious. December 29, 2006 This is a random musing, really... I'm not sure where or how this will come in to play, but the question comes to me often... how to deal with certain information. I found myself writing an overview of this book, let me share one take with you, and then ask your opinion: ANONYMOUS DAUGHTER (working title) is a memoir about adoption. As it unfolds through letters between a father and a daughter who never met, ANONYMOUS DAUGHTER shines a light on the beauty in a person that is often hidden behind the mask of alcoholism. It is a tribute to family members who do what's best for their loved ones, while also trying to better themselves. Adopted people can either choose to feel rejected or embraced. I was a deformed infant referred for adoption before I was born. The day my parents came to adopt me, the caseworker told them that nothing could prepare them for what this baby looked like. She told them they could walk away without seeing me and just take the next baby that came along… she said it wouldn’t be a mark against them. “After all,” she said, “she’s grotesque.” My parents took me home as fast as they could. I was this tiny seed with no obvious promise. They took me in, nurtured me, loved me, and corrected me. They embraced me. It is that unconditional love from the beginning that gave birth to my undying loyalty to them. For years I felt it would be a betrayal to them as parents to seek out my birth-parents, despite their openness to the idea. A social worker contacted me just after my 25th birthday. My birth-father wanted to meet me. I instantly recoiled at the idea, but the social worker coaxed me out to consider at least listening to her read one of his letters. As a “go-between,” she was like a warm security-blanket that I came to depend on and from which I never wanted to be weaned. I kept my identity a secret, using the adoption agency as my messenger. For eight years, I exchanged intimate letters with a faceless alcoholic serving time in a federal prison, until the weight of his addiction crushed him in a suicidal plunge off of a bridge in Minneapolis. His letters are treasured reminders that each of us can add value to the world, despite our flaws. (It goes on to describe the twists and turns in our relationship, as well as some very happy surprises in the ending...) Question: Would you as a reader rather NOT know my birth-father's ultimate fate right out of the gate, or do you think the "knowing" might put things in a perspective that would create a more interesting read? Please feel free to post comments here, or send me emails. I appreciate your input and support. September 12, 2005 (there are more recent posts below--I moved this closer to the top, because several people requested I do so...) I made a pretty wild discovery today. My husband is in the TV News business. One night in the late 1990's there was a bank robbery out our way. All the news stations were at least a 20 minute drive from our neighborhood--so my husband (a behind the scenes guy) went to "cover" it until they could get a crew there. The suspect was on the run. Cops were everywhere. A former tv-news gal myself, I was all revved up about this live spot-news right in our home town. I offered to my hubby that we could split up and I could see what I could get on my end--to which we both laughed. I hadn't been in the news biz for several years. I best stay home. So I flipped through the channels to watch who would get the story first. My hubby's station did. It was quite exciting. I have come to learn today that there is a decent possibility that the suspect in this breaking news was none other than my birth-father! We're checking the dates and locations to confirm yet another interesting twist in our story. November, 2006 It is the eve of my birth father's birthday. I didn't always know that--but it was revealed to me in his first letter to me. And so I send this message out into the great void: Thank you for giving me life; and thank you for the part that you play in making sure I never waste a day of it! Sometimes I feel bad that I haven't finished this book yet, but I know you understand. I know you can feel it, as I can. God is sending me opportunities to help others right now... it would be wrong to ignore them.... to ignore Him. So that's where my focus needs to be at this moment. I can't wait to share with you... all the Divine Providence I have witnessed on my journey this past year-and-a-half! There is no other explanation than God brought wonderful people and circumstances into my life to make incredible things happen. Some of these stories will amaze you... and yet, I know you already know... in a way. I will tell our story. And I will share with others what a wonderful, glorious thing adoption can be. I was never given up. I was given. A better life! Thank you! Happy Birthday. Love, Me July 22, 2006 I was invited back for another interview with Vince Daniels on KCAA radio in the Los Angeles area. You may listen to it by clicking here and scrolling to the July 22nd show. My segment is about 1 hour (or 1:15) into the show (if you save it to your computer, you may fast forward quickly to that spot). Saturday, May 13, 2006 Click here to listen to Anne's interview with Vince Daniels on KCAA radio -- San Bernadino, CA. The original air date was Saturday, May 13, 2006 for a special Mothers' Day show. You may fast-forward to the interview one hour into the show. Saint Patrick's Day, 2006 I recently had my synopsis critiqued by a number of writers and editors around the world. Feedback was published in an online forum. One person raised an interesting question: How do we know that this guy--my birth father--wasn't just a con-artist feeding me a bunch of lines? We don't know. But what we DO know is that he DID write them to me. They are physical fact. Now whether what he wrote in those letters is fact is another question. But my hope is that you'll find his letters to me thought-provoking. Our story has a lot of twists and turns, and it's ultimately up to the reader to decide. Could make for an interesting book club discussion:

Do you think Ben, at the core of his being, is a good man, or a con artist?

Do you think there are times when it's okay to lie to loved ones, or at least, shade them from some of the harsh truths?

If this were your birth-father, would his alcoholic / bank-robbing past prevent you from ever trusting him? What could he do to earn your trust? … and so on.

A final note that I have obtained some very interesting (and not all flattering) proof of information in his letters. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I'll be sure to include it in the book. I am close to completing the book and hope to start submiting it to agents and publishers later this year. If you like what you've read so far, please spread the word. Perhaps a friend of a friend's cousin's stepmom's niece knows someone in publishing who would LOVE this story. :) Thanks for your support.

December 24, 2005 Kids keep giving to hurricane relief... and they cannot stop! They have willed the creation of a new non-profit called "RandomKid." RandomKid's mission is to empower kids to realize the infinite value of who they are right now and their unique power to make the world a better place because of it. For an example of how we do that, be sure to check out our first RandomKid to be anointed a "RandomRockStar"! (on our website http://www.randomkid.org/) I'm telling you this, because I'm the founder... so while I fill out my "80-hours" (quoted by the federal government) worth of 501C3 paperwork and meet with potential board members, etc., my book will have to be put on pause. I can't thank you enough for all of your emails and well-wishes. I WILL finish this book one day. I can't wait for you to learn about how everything turns out! Quite a few twists and turns (including some very interesting revelations as noted below). Happy holidays to each of you! I wish you lots of Blessings in 2006! With Gratitude, Anne November 4, 2005 Wow! This kids-movement to help hurricane survivors (mentioned below) was quite a ride! We're still bringing in the numbers, and hope to be making a big announcement sometime later this month. The huge success of this movement is just another thing to add to the list of: "Would all this have happened had I not been born or adopted?" Pretty wild! P.S. You might be interested in reading others' correspondence. As part of the kids' hurricane relief movement, we had children who wanted to help shop for and write to children who survived the hurricanes. I was blessed to be able to hand-deliver these gifts and letters to children in a shelter in Baton Rouge. I helped them write back. Some of their letters are here. There are some cute pics of kids across the country who pitched in and helped here. And you may also find links to stories that ran on The Today Show, MSNBC, CNN, NPR, etc. here. October 1, 2005 I have revealed my identity to my biological family. I want to tell you more about it, but I can't right now. I am THRILLED to be working on a campaign designed by kids to empower kids to make a HUGE impact in helping hurricane survivors. Here's our website: http://www.halloweenhelpers.blogspot.com/. A ten year old in Des Moines, IA came up with a plan... and the grassroots effort has caught fire across the nation. Even the world! (We just had our first donation from Israel). We have raised over $100,000 in one week. Our goal is to raise one million dollars by November first (this all ties in to Halloween). The story is going national this week as we launch the "You've Got a Friend in Me" campaign to connect kid FUNdraisers with kids who survived Katrina and Rita and need the FUNds. I'll get back to this project in November. There are a gazillion ways you can help with this Kids' campaign: See "Help Spread the Word" , our kids' job board, and T.L.C.'s Wishlist for starters. Thank you for your continued support! September 26,2005 While my "real job" has kept me very busy, I've found some time to work a little on this book. I was thrilled by an outpouring of enthusiasm on my latest work from an International Writers group. I'm hoping to have the final touches done soon and start submitting to agents by the end of the year. We'll see. I don't want to rush it. I'm still working on confirming the wild possibility below. No news yet. Frankly just the IDEA of it is pretty unbelievable. Stay tuned! September 6, 2005 Any of my spare time this past week has been dedicated to helping Katrina victims. It is so overwhelming. So devastating. And yet, I believe each of us can make a difference. I've already found one family a place to stay. It's only one family out of thousands, but it felt good. A friend of mine and I have been organizing a variety of efforts, and it's amazing to see how quickly our little ideas have snowballed into something much bigger than ourselves. Right now I'm working with a Louisiana Colonel in charge of citizen volunteers to try to coordinate a number of my friends to come down and pitch in. When I first talked to him, I asked if he could use some man power for up to a week. He said, "Ma'am, we'll take anything we can get." Thankfully, among our group of willing helpers, is a registered nurse. On a happy note, I am thrilled that adoption e-week magazine has decided to publish another excerpt from this book-in-progress. This time, it's a poem written by Ben. Spoiler Alert: If you read the poem in the magazine, the tag at the bottem gives away something that happens in the story. Here's the link to "November Skies." August 25, 2005 I'm looking for ideas. I have been researching various charitable organizations for a while now. If this book ever takes off, I want to direct some of the proceeds to help with alcohol and drug rehabilitation programs in and out of prison. I have talked to a few groups, but haven't settled on anything yet. If you know of an organization that has a great program, please let me know. Thanks! August 1, 2005 The Internet can be a strange and wonderful thing. A published author, and mother to a whole clan of published authors (we're talking "Diagnosis Murder," "Monk," and one of her sons was recently up against Scott Turow for the L.A. Times Book of the Year!) wrote to me saying how much she loved my blog. We started emailing and developed a fast friendship. Next thing I know, I'm getting tidbits of advice from her whole family! I don't know what I did to deserve this, but as I told her, I'm glad to know her now and to call her a friend. The fact that she and her family are well-versed in the publishing business is just an added bonus! Anyway, these seasoned veterans of the writing biz have been offering me sage advice. I have some exciting changes in the works. I need to shorten some of the narrative, and get to the letters faster, among other things. They said, "We want to read your mail!" :) So while I'd like to spend time cleaning up previous posts on my blog, I need to dedicate what precious little time I have to cleaning up the actual manuscript. Therefore I probably won't have any huge new excerpts out for a little while. But you never know. :) In the meantime, you may be interested to read the comments sections on each page. There are some interesting messages and "conversations" that are developing. And here's a link to my new friend's blog: http://jancurranevents.typepad.com/jan_curran_events/. Thanks again for all of your support. Please keep those comments and questions coming! -Anne June 3, 2005 I just got back from the Book Expo America Writers' Conference. It was outstanding! I learned a lot from some of the best in the business! I was thrilled to not only hear Noah Lukeman speak, but he signed my copy of The First Five Pages (a great book, I highly recommend to writers)! As you may have noticed in the past, I had been advised to remove previous posts. But at the conference, several top people in the publishing industry suggested I put the information back up. It may take me some time to get it to where it was, because I'm thrilled to report that four agents I met with at the conference have asked me to submit Anonymous Daughter to them when it's ready. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy what is back up already. Please keep your questions and comments coming. Your feedback opens new doors of inspiration to me as I continue to write this memoir. Thanks so much for your support! A reminder: An excerpt from this book has been published in the May 10, 2005 edition of Adoption Week e-magazine. If you would like to read it, please visit Adoption Week e-magazine and see My Special Day by Anne Parker. Please feel free to email me anytime at parker@fni.com. I look forward to putting a positive adoption story on the bookshelves in the future.

Book Two -- There Are No Accidents

2008-04-07T21:36:00.000-07:00

"There Are No Accidents."

It's a mantra many of us who were adopted want to believe in. In fact, I think many of us work to make it true. Some of us work extra hard to find our purpose and make the most of our lives, to PROVE that we were not accidents... that we are exactly where we are meant to be.

The more we reflect on this, the more we notice that there are no "coincidences." Everything's connected. Or maybe we make it so. Regardless of how it happens... it's all connected.

Here's my most recent "Holy Cow!" example:

My natural father's sister, "Kathleen" and I have become close. She has been very excited for me and supportive of my nonprofit work with RandomKid. So when a producer from NBC Nightly News called to say that their "Making a Difference" story (click here to view) was airing just nights before Christmas, I called Kathleen while she was traveling, to let her know.

She called me the day after Christmas to share something that seemed like more than a coincidence to her:

I'm paraphrasing:

"This is all so unbelieveable. The timing is magical. As you know, Don and I are down here in Florida visiting Aunt Emily. The three of us had been invited to a neighborhood cocktail party. Emily doesn't get out much and we really wanted her to go. But then you called and said your story would be on, just as this party was starting. I asked if it would be o.k. for us to come late. The hosts were very gracious and asked us to please come whenever we could. So I watched the NBC story... it was so wonderful. It is awesome to think about how many lives you have touched. We went to the party right after the news, and I was completely preoccupied with you and all the wonderful things you've done. So imagine how stunned I am, when the first person I meet says she's from 'Nowhere, Nebraska'-- the same town your birth mother is from!! Without even thinking, I say, 'Oh... do you know so & so?' To which she says, 'Why yes! I graduated from high school with her! In fact, I just saw her at our reunion!!'"

Well, Kathleen quickly tried to reel everything back in. After all, she didn't know how much this person knew. Did this classmate know her high school buddy gave a baby up for adoption when she was in college? When pressed, Kathleen simply said that her brother had dated this person in college, and that this person was so lovely and kind. Next thing you know, the classmate is pulling out my natural-mother's address, phone number, email address and more! Kathleen didn't know what to do. She knew that up to this point, I had no plans of seeking my natural mother out, but she also knew that I had recently raised the subject... more as an interesting topic of conversation, rather than a matter I was seriously pondering. She told me, "This woman practically forced it in my hand, I didn't know what to do or say. I said ,'This is so... so... ' my voice trailed off, and her mom jumped in with great enthusiasm, 'Well you know what it is? It's the Holy Spirit at work, dear!'" :)

Holy Spirit. Coincidence. Connection. NBC followed me on my trip to South Africa back in August. In December I mused in an email to Kathleen--wondering what my natural mother ? Kathleen emailed back indicating that years ago she had tried to track down my birth-mother, hitting nothing but dead ends. Why did it air 4 months later? Why that day? What are the odds that these two women, neither of whom come from or live in Florida would happen to be at the same cocktail party and discover this person we all have in common?

Sometimes when these “coincidences” happen, I let them lie. This is a biggie. I had no plans to seek out my birth parents. (See this post for background.) I have been letting this one lie since December.

On Good Friday I went to church in a beautiful cathedral while traveling out west. I was thinking of my birth father. He died on Good Friday. I also thought about the letter I wrote to my birth parents on the eve of my 25th birthday. I turn 40 this year. Another landmark birthday. Will this be a year that my natural mother and I somehow connect? I pondered the question as I turned on Francis Lane. It did not go unnoticed that the church’s street address bore the same name as the woman who gave me life. I pulled my car into the lot, got out and locked the doors. With great intention, I sucked in as much of the cool mountainous air as my lungs could hold, and then I slowly, effortlessly let it all go. I opened the enormous doors to angelic music welcoming me to celebrate my faith in Jesus Christ—The Son of God who showed us how to love.

*Note: All names have been changed to protect people’s privacy.

Maybe some day...

2005-08-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

In a letter from Ben after a few years of writing:

I will continue to write you through Joan Wilcox at the adoption agency, as I continue on with my "adventure"--without naming places, locations, etc. Naturally, my hope is still to sit down with you some day over a cup of coffee. However, I have come to terms with the fact that that is not how it will be now. But who knows, perhaps when I am 90 and you are 65, we can get together and reminisce over the good old days?

I love you very much. Your letters have been an inspiration and an affirmation for me. I have sometimes felt like you were brightening the picture a bit--if so, I believe your motive was simply to encourage me and not cause me worry, admirable qualities in a daughter. My love and thanks go out to your parents for helping raise a wonderful girl.

Love, Ben

Jailhouse Pals

2005-08-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

(From Ben in the pen...)

My job continues to go well. I've acquired something of a miracle worker status with mathematices, in that my previously slow students are now passing their G.E.D. tests. The boys in my dorm come to me in the evening for extra help--which I'm glad to give. It feels so good to be useful and finally putting my education to use!

My spiritual life continues to be enhanced. It seems that when I do "the right thing" and follow basic Biblical teaching that my life has a more substantial quality, and I seem to be more sane.

For example, last week I heard there was a "big guy" grumbling because he saw me wearing his shirt. I had found the shirt in a pile of old clothes weeks before. I was perturbed, but than the Biblical routine about giving a man the shirt of your back--plus your cloak came to me. I sighed, went to the big fella with a smile, and said, "Here's your shirt." He said, "Oh, thank you, by the way, you can have the one I've been wearing in the meantime." Turns out I got a newer shirt that fits me better. Funny how things work out. Plus, now he and I are old buddies, where we hadn't really been acquainted before.

The Call

2005-08-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

One phone call changed everything. It was an ordinary Saturday, but it's amazing to me how every little nuance about that day has been forever forged in my memory. The smell of coffee and bacon lingered in our little apartment from breakfast. Dust particles danced in early morning sunlight, streaking through vertical blinds that opened onto a small deck. The air conditioner hummed, adding to the laziness of the weekend. My husband occasionally dozed off while watching a random sporting event on television.

The phone rang, breaking through the laid-back atmosphere. I could see my husband wasn't going to move, so I pulled myself away from the newspaper to answer it. It was some woman named Joan from the agency that handled my adoption. My instant reaction was that they must have been calling for a donation. I quickly found out otherwise. She told me my biological father was looking for me--that he wanted to meet me.

I jumped in before she could say anything else.

"Did you send him my letter? I sent a letter… about a year ago… it tells my biological parents that I turned out okay, but that I really don't want to meet them." My heart pounded in my chest.

She said she hadn't seen the letter. I panicked. If she can't find the letter, I wondered, what else is going to be screwed up in this process? I heard paper rustling in the background. Joan said she was holding a letter from him. Did I want her to read some of it to me?

Wow. I couldn't believe it. I was curious, but I didn't want to open Pandora's box. I didn't want to know too much. Not yet, anyway. I needed to process this. I asked her to read it, but to withhold the names or any identifying information. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. It was all so surreal. I needed to ground myself by taking notes.

Joan began, "Well, I suppose I should start by telling you something that may be a little bit troubling to you," her tone was hesitant. I braced myself. "He's in prison. Apparently he's a severe alcoholic. He says he robbed a bank." I wrote down "prison--robbed a bank" mechanically, as if I could forget that tidbit of information.

foaf.rdf

2005-07-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

I'm new to this FOAF thing. If you have any experience with it, please drop me a line and let me know your thoughts on it. If you're wondering what the heck FOAF is, check out http://www.foaf-project.org/.

Anne Parker
Anne
Parker
301c47e2581524c985d0cb30b7602ced3dfe6275

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http://abetterlifebook.blogspot.com/
ANONYMOUS DAUGHTER is a memoir that takes a character like "Brooks" from Shawshank Redemption and places him in the middle of It's a Wonderful Life. What purpose can there be for a man who has been in detox over 80 times before the age of 30, who found a revolving door at a federal prison the closest thing to a permanent address? My anonymous correspondence with this man who, with my birth mother, gave me up for adoption as a baby is a great reminder to each of us that no matter how flawed we are, we can all add value to this world.
en-us
Tue, 26 Jul 2005 16:20:26 GMT
parker@fni.com
parker@fni.com
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http://abetterlifebook.blogspot.com/
Table of Contents to excerpts from Anonymous Daughter. I'm adopted, and decided long ago never to contact my birth-parents. However, when my biological father sent me a letter, via the adoption agency, an inner struggle started and gave birth to an idea. I asked the agency if we could use them to correspond anonymously, and they agreed. Peer over my shoulder as I get to know my biological father through his letters. You'll meet a man who is a lot like "Brooks" in "Shawshank Redemption."

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http://abetterlifebook.blogspot.com/2005/06/introduction.html
Introduction to the book. I'm adopted, and decided long ago never to contact my birth-parents. However, when my biological father sent me a letter, via the adoption agency, an inner struggle started and gave birth to an idea. I asked the agency if we could use them to correspond anonymously, and they agreed. Peer over my shoulder as I get to know my biological father through his letters. You'll meet a man who is a lot like "Brooks" in "Shawshank Redemption."

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http://abetterlifebook.blogspot.com/2005/06/no-reunions-please.html
I'm adopted, but have no interest in reuniting with my birth parents. This page describes why.

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http://abetterlifebook.blogspot.com/2005/06/awed-pleasantly-overwhelmed-letter.html
A father's reaction to hearing from his daughter for the first time in 24 years.

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http://abetterlifebook.blogspot.com/2005/07/messages-from-author.html
Get an update on how the book "Anonymous Daughter" is coming along.

Fathers and Daughter: a poem

2005-06-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

This is a poem I wrote shortly after I heard that my birth-father was looking for me. I included it in one of my letters to Ben, and gave one to my dad:

Fathers and Daughter

1968
Two men worry;
Who will take care of her?
For her, I can't wait!

One was the first to hold me--
The other--to nurture and mold me.

Memories of my dad…
Waking up early in my
Little white pajamas
Scurrying to his lap.

Watching his smoke
Dance in the morning light--
Feeling so safe.

The other man-
What did he do?
Who did he have to hold?
What made him feel safe?

My dad-
Proud of everything I do.
Loving me.

I could go on forever
about great memories of Dad.
But I have to thank the first,
for giving me the second--
This great life I've had.

Thank you for Giving Me Life

2005-06-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

This is the letter I put on file at the agency, in case my birth-parents ever came looking for me:

Dear Wonderful People,

I want to thank you so much for giving me life. So far I have had an incredibly wonderful life thanks to your deep love and unselfishness. There is so much I want to tell you--but it all boils down to THANK YOU--because I have truly been blessed.

I supposed I should start at the beginning. After I was born I was sent to several doctors because I had a birth defect in my neck and they were trying to figure out what could be done. Then--on a hot summer day--my parents came to get me. I became part of a caring, loving family. My parents were able to massage my neck back to normal. We discovered in my pre-school years that I also had a severe hearing loss in one ear, probably connected to the other defect. The doctors operated when I was five, but my hearing is still the same. To me -- it’s normal.

I remember a childhood filled with beautiful memories. I am a middle child and I love my siblings very much. I have always been very outgoing and got involved in everything. I loved camp in the summers and I have always been interested in animals and nature. All this time I knew I was adopted. I knew ever since I can remember. And it’s a very neat thing. I don’t look at it as someone didn’t want me -- In fact, I know that someone loved me so much that they wanted me to have a better life than they could give me. I also recognize what a fantastic thing it is that my parents wanted me so much that they went through several interviews and a year of waiting to get me.

Yes. I wonder what you look like. Yes. I wonder if I have other siblings out there. Yes. I wonder what you’re like and the circumstances in which you had to give me up. But to be honest, I don’t think I ever want to meet you. You have gotten on with your life and I have gotten on with mine. I must admit, I have fantasies about what you’re like--and you probably feel the same--but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for reality--sometimes it doesn’t work out like our fantasies.

I do want you to know that I think about you often. I devote part of my birthday to thinking about you, because I know you’re thinking about me, and somehow I feel connected to you. I am now happily married to a wonderful man and I look forward to having children someday. Who knows? Maybe we’ll adopt!

Please let us know if there are any medical concerns that we should know about now or in the future. I thank God you made the right "choice," because as far as I’m concerned, there is no other choice. I’m proof. Thank you very much, I’ll always love you for this great gift of life with such a wonderful family.

Love, Me
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A year later my biological father sought me out. I kept my identity a secret, using the adoption agency as a go-between.
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Note: The first 11 comments below (through 8/16) were in response to a previous post called "No Reunions Please," which was about why, in general, I didn't want to reunite with my biological parents (Pandora's Box).

"Awed & Pleasantly Overwhelmed" letter from Bennett

2005-06-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

This letter was written by my birth-father after he read my original "thank you" letter, and had heard from the agency that I was open to corresponding with him.

My Dear Daughter-

I received a letter from Joan Wilcox today, explaining her contact with you and enclosing your letter of March, 1992. I am awed and pleasantly overwhelmed. Thank God for life and for the sensibility and sweetness reflected in your words. How kind of you to have written in the past, and I hope you can forgive me for not "reaching out" before. With my chaotic life's history --my drinking and unreliability--I never felt stable enough to justify a possible intrusion in your life. And while we have never met, I am acutely aware of how moved I am. Yes, I always thought of you on your birthday too, and I had fantasies as well--"how is she, is she well, does she drink? Does she resemble her mother and me? And so on…

Let me say at the outset that I will totally respect any decision you've made about not wanting to meet me. My first thought about this was "after all, a father in prison!" But from Joan's letter it sounds like that per se is not a problem. I don't expect you to understand this at this time, but, in a nutshell, I robbed a bank in order to be locked up for a few years so I would not drink anymore. It seemed the only sane option left to me. Fortunately I have two loving sisters, a father and a few close friends who know about this and support me. My sister Kathleen will be here to visit on Sunday--she is a Licensed Social Worker (L.S.W.) and works mainly with senior citizens.

At any rate, I don't even know what happened to the money from the robbery. I was drunk at the time and probably lost it or got robbed myself. I pleaded guilty in Federal Court and here I am for a few years. I have been sober one year now--the longest in my life. I'm enrolled in a chemical dependency treatment program here in the mornings, then I work as a file clerk in the business office in the afternoon--a pleasant atmosphere. I continue to look at my time here as an opportunity to learn how to live sober. We have a small but solid AA group here and my "cell-mate" and I have an evening Bible study with a few other fellows in our unit. I have long believed that my continuous sobriety would be based on my spirituality and improving my conscious contact with God.

My heart breaks that I did not find sobriety years ago--that your mother and I were unable to raise you as our daughter. She and I loved each other very much--it was quite overwhelming and traumatic for her. I don't know if you've ever had contact with her. I have not, since 1968. But, you may be interested to know; I can see a good deal of her reflected in your words. Enthusiasm, optimism, a "brightness'" as well as being bright intellectually. While I think of it, she had occasional migraines, but otherwise had good health.

As for me, other than my drinking I have basically good health--a little high blood pressure at age 50, but I must have good genes to have drank all those years and still be in pretty good shape. My sister Kathleen has a 45% hearing loss in one ear--she had surgery a couple of years ago--I think to implant an artificial stirrup--but still has the hearing loss, and now occasional tinnitus! My hearing is fine, but I've always been very nearsighted--have worn glasses since 2nd grade.

Wow--there's so much to say, but I'm rambling. Perhaps this is enough for now. I would like to write you occasionally, but will understand if you would rather I don't. Please understand I would never try to intrude in your life or do anything to upset you. I am just so grateful a loving family adopted you, and that you have been able to do well for yourself.

You are the only child I ever had. Whether your mother had more children later, I don't know, but you were her first-born. I was 25 years old. She was 23.

I'd be pleased to tell you more about myself, my life, etc. if you care to correspond. Maybe at this time we can follow the old AA adage of living "one day at a time."

Love,
Bennett

Introduction

2005-06-03T06:44:00.000-07:00

"Me." That's how I signed all of my letters to my biological father. He never knew my name. And yet he gave me life. I was adopted. Some might say, "given up" for adoption. As a kid, I faced tough questions from other children like, "Didn't your parents want you?" Or, "Why did they give you up?" Fortunately, my parents (the ones who adopted me) taught me to view adoption as a positive thing. "Your birth-parents loved you so much, that they gave you to people who could better care for you," they'd say.

Oh, sure, there were times when I daydreamed that perhaps I was the illegitimate child of Marilyn Monroe and John F. Kennedy. But, sometime in my teenage years, I looked it up--turns out I wasn't even born when Monroe died. And, since my parents got me when I was only six-weeks-old, it was clear nobody was fudging the records on my actual birth date. Still, it was fun as a kid to imagine that my biological parents were really significant people, and that some day we'd be reunited. As I grew older, I learned that they were significant people, but not because they were rich or famous. For a more important reason--because they did the most self-less, loving thing anyone can do for another. They gave that teeny, tiny baby--a baby they’d made out of love--to parents who could care for her. I am now a mom, myself. I get it. Once you have created life, it's hard to imagine ever letting it go, and yet they did. It was the ultimate act of parental love. They knew they couldn't give me the life they wanted to, so they gave me away, to give me a better one.

I have often wondered what the circumstances were. How grave their situation was, that they actually thought giving me to a couple of strangers would be the best thing for me. As an adult, I imagined more realistic scenarios. Perhaps they were homeless. maybe my birth-father never knew about me. or, worst of all, maybe I was the result of a horrible sex crime. Most children want to believe they were born out of love. I held on to that wish. Then just before my 25th birthday, I got a phone call. My wish was about to be realized in a way that I had never imagined. My biological father was searching for me. He wanted to meet me. The secrets surrounding how I came to be, were about to be revealed.